Myla Katzav

Rachel is 3 years and 5 months old and tonight, for the first time, she is not sleeping at home.  She is sleeping at her grandmother's house with her two girl cousins. 

I cannot sleep.  

When I opened the door and only found Haim and Ben, I knew she didn’t want to come home to sleep with us.  I knew, being such a sociable doll that she is and very independent, she would jump to the idea of sleeping over with her cousins without having any second thoughts. 

It breaks my heart.

I think a part of this troubling feeling is guilt.  Lately, I have been hard on her for her hard headedness; for lately being so stubborn, it sometimes blows my mind off; for giving me answers that are so adult I just don’t know how to handle it.

Lately, I have been so busy with work and household chores that I didn’t have time to sit with her and learn.  Probably also, I do not have it in me to teach.  Or my mind has been too consumed about what to prepare for lunch and dinner, making sure that their bottles are washed, that the house is clean and orderly, the laundry bag is empty, that I didn’t leave any pending tasks at work, I called this person, that company, made sure my boss' trip is ironed out to the last detail and what I wil have to do next week. 

I am afraid that I am missing an important time in my daughter's life because of too much work to do around or because consciously, I don’t have the patience for it.  I envy my husband for having the patience, energy and the time to go through each page of her workbook.  I envy that he brings them out everyday after work for a bicycle ride or a walk or to play at the park while I stay home to prepare their meal or simply to be by myself. 

I hope I'm wrong about "missing an important time in my daughter's life" thought.  I believe I am  wrong because every night, she looks for me, except tonight.  Everynight, we kiss each other good night.  Every night, she tells me "Mama, I love you" and we embrace ecah other. Everynight, she comes "home" to me. 

And if it is right that I do am missing an important part of her life, then thank God for this moment.  That it only takes one night away, a time to reflect and to realize that I need to change, that I shouldn’t let it slip away, that I should not forget…that I am a mother first.

I miss my Rachel.