Myla Katzav

I think that one of the worst moments in time is saying goodbye.  Be it temporary or a prolonged absence, it always pulls your heart until it hurts.  I have said good bye a million times….most memorable ones were my leaving home for college at the age of 16, watching my grandmother sleeping peacefully in her coffin, getting a heart broken when I or he leaves, saying thanks and see you soon to my brother in America after we spent months building his home, hugging my best friend so tightly at the airport and giving my parents that one last look that hopefully says it all when I left the Philippines.

My Tio Boy has terminal cancer.  Families and friends who are capable are now coming in and out of his hospital room bringing with them strength, courage, faith and love to fill him up in these very difficult moments.  I heard that he literally lights up when someone comes in and as soon as they leave, the shadows of depression lurks back in.  With hope and love, they also come to him to say goodbye in silence and I am sure Tio Boy is aware of it. Among all the brothers and sisters of my dad (he has 12!) he is the most favored by all, both young and old, because he has the biggest and the most generous heart.

From a distant, there are times that you can erase reality and replace it with day-to-day tasks to keep your mind from it, remembering him during healthier days or just pretending its not happening.  But it can never be completely out of your heart because you know, he is hurting and your family is hurting as well. 

Everytime I talked to him, I cant seem to find the words and end up blabbering.  I wanted to say something that will mean to him, something to make it feel better but everytime I got the opportunity, the words just wouldn’t want to be heard.

A few days ago, he was hospitalized for complications from pneumonia and the swelling of his legs.  I heard it is inevitable.. and it is just a matter of time. So I find myself in a dilemma…should I say goodbye or not at all? 

I shouldn’t because if I do then I’m closing the doors to hope and we never know…miracles happen everyday.