Myla Katzav

I met Haim in 1998 while working at the Marketing Dept of a hotel in Manila.  He was looking for his friend from the Purchasing Dept and ended up in my room.  So I brought him to his friend and it started it all….not romantically though.  Haim was a young good looking rich foreigner who had the world under his feet: beautiful classy women, nice apartments in Makati, a big bike, a high position at work, parties every week and a society that bends to all these.  I was just a few years out of college, I had my own small circle of wonderful and beautiful friends, living in my dad's apartment, driving a car dad gave me, eating out almost every night, a regular position that pays well..regular in a society that sees me as well….regular.

Our worlds do not seem to fit and yet our paths crossed so that we wil be here, right now.  Ours is a different love story and its not for the movies because it cant be told in less than 2 hours. I will not even try to write about it here.

 

In the midst of a chaotic youth lured by a materialistic and selfish world, Haim and I found each other and grew up together first out of nothing then, gradually and amazingly found ourselves changing for the better and for each other. We experienced a series of downfalls which at times left us flat on the ground. I have to say it but we became better persons because of each other.

 

I'll tell you what I have become because of him.  First of all, I have come to love God truly and this brings so much peace in my life. I realized that the secret to love is really to give without expecting anything in return and if you do this without any other intention, you come out of it whole.   I have come to love my family more:  He made me see the beauty of spending time with family, talking to my brothers, sharing myself with them.  I have come to terms with my young selfish, insensitive self and hope that in the last few years, I was able to make it up to all my loved ones. I have lost a lot of friends but kept only those who really see me just like Haim sees me. 

 

I'll tell you what Haim became.  First of all, he found his way back to God.  He became prayerful, forgiving, understanding, patient and loving.  He started helping people in need and feels good about it. He still has his faults but believe me, a lot of it has been worked out well and still  are being worked out.  He loves me everyday.  My state of being happy or sad defines his moments.  He's got fewer friends and kept those only who saw him for him.  He became a better son and brother and I like seeing him this way.

 

Finally, let me tell you what we have become because of them.  We pray from the heart and most of our prayers don't start with "please" but "thank you". We live a much simpler life that is not anymore defined by expensive material things.  We see money in a different way, not anymore as "The Tool" to define us and be accepted by society but just one factor to go through our days and that of our children's future. We take our jobs seriously.  Our friendship grew hundredfolds that we understand each other even before an idea crops in.  We are more courageous when it comes to facing our problems and instead of turning our backs on it, we face it now.  We are not afraid to be different or to make decisions outside the norm. We have each other and that is what is important.

 

We have become selfless because we have finally found the meaning of life and these are Rachel and Ben.    

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Categories: Le Haim en Israel (To Life in Israel)

Just like any child living in the Philippines, the moment the calendar page turns to September, I experienced a tingling sensation of excitement and happiness.  It signifies the beginning of Christmas, a fairytale that comes true every year: lights of different shades and colors playfully twinkling everywhere you go, shinny decorations hanging on the ceiling or pasted on the wall, santa clause of different sizes and themes, socks full of candies, christmas carolling, tons of gifts and the many parties and favorite food filling up the refrigirator.  But what I love most about Christmas is that it brings the family together and so it becomes the most peaceful and full of love time of the year.

In short, the Christmas season is that time of the year where people are happy individually and collectively and the Philippines is not the place for non-believers or kill-joys…because I don’t think they will survive as everywhere they go, its all red, green and gold and ho! ho! ho!

 

My situation is different.  I am in a place that the majority do not celebrate Christmas. I guess they do not even know what Christmas is.  I am in place that believes that Jesus Christ as the son of God is fictitious.  I am in a place that the children do not have an inkling of Santa Claus…which transcends to all of the things I wrote in the first paragraph nil

 

I have been without Christmas for 3 years and it sucks just as much.  And as some of my friends and family back home have started a countdown to Christmas, silently, I am counting down the days when its all going to be back to normal there.    

 

So for this season, I am not putting anything that will remind me of Christmas at home except for my google and facebook pages which are all in Christmas themes.  I will see how much I can endure and if it becomes unbearable, then perhaps next year, I will do something different like the opposite of this year.

 

The closest I got to celebrating Christmas is teaching my childen some carols.

 

So what then?  Well, as this is the life that I chose with open eyes, I will have to deal with it the way the morning star tries so hard to beat the sunshine. 

 

What I know for sure is that in the silence of the night, I am most grateful now than I ever was. 

 

That the special child born that night under the brightness of a star in a manger brings hope and love. That no matter what situation you are in, if you have love around you and there is deep gratitude in your heart even for the simplest things and you are deeply connected to your loved ones no matter the distance, then the spirit of Christmas will live on and will warm your heart even if the outside world is at its coldest.

 

 

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Categories: Le Haim en Israel (To Life in Israel)

Many nights that I am left with my babies, I put them beside me in bed and most of the time, I found myself awake and staring at their sleeping faces.  They looked very peaceful and contented.  And in those moments, there were no other thoughts flowing in my mind. Its just simply to look at their faces more closely and hear their breathing.  Sometimes, I experience those sudden burst of peace and happines and satisfaction because my whole life and my whole world is right here beside me and where else would I want to be?  Being there clears my mind from any worries.  Watching them gives me so much hope and knowing they are extensions of myself brings out this courage to face our future with open arms.  Watching them and knowing that they are the most precious parts of me makes me want to live longer and healthier, for as long as they need me. 

Motherhood is just amazing.  It is the start of an endless, tireless kind of  loving.  It is a purpose in life, and the best one for sure! It is not perfect but the babies, in your eyes, are perfect! It is also the biggest test in life…starting from the extreme physical pain whie giving birth to the emotional and mental challenges of bringing up individuals and shaping them to be better persons. 

Motherhood is all I know for now.  It defines me.  It gives me a picture of who I am and what I am built for. It keeps me sane.  It keeps me grounded.  And most of all, it keeps me alive.

 

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Categories: Le Haim en Israel (To Life in Israel)

In a few hours, Haim is arriving from China after being away on a business trip for 16 days.  And those 16 days gave me a glimpse on how it is to be a single working parent.  Its been tough and yet liberating specially since "home" is still a foreign place to me.  I survived the physical, mental and emotional challenges and as there was really not much of  a choice but to go through with it, I didn’t have the luxury of pre-empting whatever was doomed to happen.  I didn’t have a choice but to face it all point blank.  And allthough there were family and friends who were ready to support and have shown me such warmth, I chose to go through it by myself and in the process, I have gained a sense of independence and self-control.

First, I have a fantastic working environment that everyone in the office are parents and they understand the need to be flexible.  My boss allowed me to work for less hours on those days and I just have to compensate for it by working on two extra mornings (Sundays) when my husband is back.   I need to put my kids to the day care which opens at 7:30 and there fore cannot be in the office before 7 am. 

Next, my husband's family have verbalized in many ways their support and readiness to help.  My sister-in-law picked up my kids on one Tuesday when I had to work until 6 pm.  The grandparents would visit Rachel and Ben every week and play with them.  When Rachel felt sick while we were having our Shabbat dinner at my parents-in-law's house, his brother and girlfriend accompnied us home to help me carry the sleeping babies and put them to bed. Imagine the horror if it was just me and them!They called me  a lot to check and I appreciated it very much.

Then there was the need to organize the daily tasks that needed to be accomplished.  At night, I prepare all their necessities inside their tiny school bags.  I woke up at 6am to prepare their morning milk making sure that it was not too cold in those winter mornings, prepared Rachel's snacks which comprised of a sandwich and a fruit/cornflakes with a bottle of water packed in her bag.  Then I dressed myself up which only took me around 10 minutes from brushing my teeth to putting on my shoes.  Afterwhich, I wake them up exactly 45 minutes before we leave the house to make sure that there was enough time to handle any crying binges or requests for more sleep (this happened almost everyday though).  While they were drinking their morning milk while laying on the sofa, I started dressing them up.  And the last thing I do to get them up and running to the door was to give each of them their favorite gummy orange-flavored vitamin!!!  Thank goodness for these!!!!!  It has become my quick getaway and took them directly to the car wihout any fuss. Once in the car, I breathed a huge sigh of relief because the hardest part of the day was over and done with! I took Ben first then Rachel and its off to work.

Going to work at a later time was  big change…there was traffic!!! But this has made it possible for me to connect with friends and listen to my favorite cd's much longer.

Because of a feeling of isolation or lack of adult interaction, I have started to open up myself more at work.  I have a new room mate who doesn’t speak a word of Hebrew like me and who is just one of the nicest girls in the office. So I started taking lunch at the building cafeteria and found how much fun it is! I do get a lot of stares though because I am the only Asian!!!!

At exactly 1pm, I left the office to pick up the babies, Ben first and then Rachel.  When we got home, they would look for their milk and then I prepared lunch for them.  The tv was on showing their favorite Dora or Diego shows so it gave me the much needed peace to fix our bags and prepare lunch. After they have taken their lunch, its off to their room for our afternoon nap.  Rachel almost always sleeps instantly while Ben, who was cheating us by sleeping at his day care in the morning, would just stay in his crib awake waiting for me to be up to take him to the living room where we bond while Rachel was still sleeping. She usually wakes up any time between 4-5 depending on how early she started to sleep. Of course, I wake her up by force and then goes another session of playing, fighting, crying, eating or just plain watching a movie together. 

I am not kidding, but my babies can sit in the sofa with me and watch a movie…of course it comes with their favorite chips around.  But it is one of my high moments. Dinner was served between 7-8 pm together or individually as sometimes, Ben would go first.  I would have dinner the last and usually its something vey light and fast to prepare.  There were nights when dinner was their leftovers!!!! 

Then its bath time and this is something they love and hate to be taken out.  My bath time is erratic.  I sometimes take it in the afternoon while they were having their nap or late in the night when they were both asleep.  So my bath time is not fun at all as it is done in such haste!

Sleep deprivation has become common either caused by one of the babies waking up in the middle of the night or a noisy neighbor or just basic feeling of fear for the coming days and all the worries that one can harbor with feelings of being alone with two babies who depend all their lives on you.

Laundry, grocery, big preparation cooking and major cleaning of the house were done on Fridays and Sundays (the mornings that I am off from work and they are in their day cares.

These were the physical challenges which were easy to handle.  The most difficult parts was the emotional and mental challenges.  There were moments when I wanted some time for myself and I don’t get it.  There were also moments when I felt guilty because I couldn’t spend quality time with them from doing all the household chores and leaving them to their toys and the tv.  And some days, I am connected to the internet either reading the news, chatting with friends or being in facebook. Those were the the moments when I wasn't into mommy-mode. The hardest part was when one of them got sick and this was the moment that I completely lost myself as every part of me was devoted to getting them back to normal.  The other hardest part was when they throw tantrums on me and it puts me off-balance: I get mad, I shout, I become less of a parent and it just eats me to death.

The good thing about all these was that its about to end in a few hours.  My beloved Is coming home and I am sure my babies will have tears in their eyes when they see him.  They missed him so much that it broke my heart everytime they demanded to see their Aba (Daddy) now and start looking for him around the house.  Plus, I gained a lot of strength and control over the day's events and the people I deal with.  It gave me a new perspective about fear.  That you control it and it is actually under your mercy.  So now, I go out without fear and holding on to this courage to move on for the sake of my babies and never look back at all those useless worries and fears.

 

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Categories: Le Haim en Israel (To Life in Israel)

I am turning 36 tomorrow.  And if I think about it seriously, it is somehow unbelievable.  When I was 16 and in high school, I thought about my teachers who were in their early 20's as too old and I always told myself that I have a looong way to go before I get to that stage.  And here I am, much way past the 20's, been through tough times and experienced priceless and beautiful moments, all of it unexpectedly. 

Looking back, i think one of the secrets of my "success" is not expecting too much from everyone, taking each and everyone who came and still comes to my life as is.  And most of the time looking at the good side of people and events.  I think the most success it contributed to is my marriage because up until now, my husband and i "still" agree that life is worthless without the other one.  Of course, our deep faith in God and endless support for each other contrbuted to it as well. 

When you dont expect and just love the person for who she/he is and that love is reciprocated, I believe that one way or the other, both of you will just bring out the best of each other because when you love someone, you have a strong desire to live a good life for that person.

And then a child comes to your world and changes every bit of yourself.  This time, without consciously or unconsciously choosing it, you strive to become a better person because you have felt the most powerful kind of love and you are willing to give up your life for them.

In my 36 years of life, I have never worried or slept less than when I became a mother.  My worries range from daily to monthly.  My daily worries are very simple like what to prepare for lunch or dinner to if my children are treated well in their day cares; while my monthly worries would be on ways on how not to touch our savings and when my husband is planning a trip overseas to the well-being of my loved ones in the Philippines. 

Yesterday, we were at the Wailing Wall in Jerusalem.  The place I feel closest to God.  Once again, I said a prayer but this time, it was deeper and more heartfelt.  I needed to feel God because I know I have been slipping away and I think yesterday did good to my spirit. We visited a Rabbi friend in his house and we got a bonus..we prayed with him and he blessed us!

Finally, as the movie title goes: Life is beautiful.  Worrying is such a waste of time.  Challenges are always present.  Health is wealth while money can be lost and earned so it shouldnt eat up our time.  Fear unmoves us so we should strive to take it out to be free. We should celebrate our youth physically and mentally, be very grateful for our loved ones and appreciate every moment spent with them. Work for what's best for our family and not what society dictates. And be the captain of our own being!

 

 

 

 

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Categories: Le Haim en Israel (To Life in Israel)

Rachel is 3 years and 5 months old and tonight, for the first time, she is not sleeping at home.  She is sleeping at her grandmother's house with her two girl cousins. 

I cannot sleep.  

When I opened the door and only found Haim and Ben, I knew she didn’t want to come home to sleep with us.  I knew, being such a sociable doll that she is and very independent, she would jump to the idea of sleeping over with her cousins without having any second thoughts. 

It breaks my heart.

I think a part of this troubling feeling is guilt.  Lately, I have been hard on her for her hard headedness; for lately being so stubborn, it sometimes blows my mind off; for giving me answers that are so adult I just don’t know how to handle it.

Lately, I have been so busy with work and household chores that I didn’t have time to sit with her and learn.  Probably also, I do not have it in me to teach.  Or my mind has been too consumed about what to prepare for lunch and dinner, making sure that their bottles are washed, that the house is clean and orderly, the laundry bag is empty, that I didn’t leave any pending tasks at work, I called this person, that company, made sure my boss' trip is ironed out to the last detail and what I wil have to do next week. 

I am afraid that I am missing an important time in my daughter's life because of too much work to do around or because consciously, I don’t have the patience for it.  I envy my husband for having the patience, energy and the time to go through each page of her workbook.  I envy that he brings them out everyday after work for a bicycle ride or a walk or to play at the park while I stay home to prepare their meal or simply to be by myself. 

I hope I'm wrong about "missing an important time in my daughter's life" thought.  I believe I am  wrong because every night, she looks for me, except tonight.  Everynight, we kiss each other good night.  Every night, she tells me "Mama, I love you" and we embrace ecah other. Everynight, she comes "home" to me. 

And if it is right that I do am missing an important part of her life, then thank God for this moment.  That it only takes one night away, a time to reflect and to realize that I need to change, that I shouldn’t let it slip away, that I should not forget…that I am a mother first.

I miss my Rachel.

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Categories: Being a full-time "IMA"

I love the breakfast McDo Meals in the Philippines specially the Longganisa Meal.  I couldn’t count the many mornings or noons I had enjoying it at the office.  Add to that their Spaghetti, Pancakes and the seasonal Twister Fries…yummy! 

Unfortunately, McDonalds in Israel, as in any other country outside the Philippines, do not offer this and I expected that.  However, with the few visits I had to their branches here, I encountered a series of hurdles that left me frustrated and irritated.  I mean, in the area where we live, which is in the center of Israel, it opens only at 10:30am and 11:30am in the mall.  Which means, they don’t serve breakfast at all!   I was already imagining those pancakes!  But in a country where most households take their breakfast at home specially with something as simple as pancake and the thousands of coffeshops serving "better"  and healthier breakfast the way Israelis like it, I understand McDonalds for closing its doors at this period.  And there are very few minorities like me who will not make it worthwhile for McDo even to open its windows.  Add to that, they don’t have drive-thrus.  Grrrrr!!!

In my desire to have anything McDonalds, I waited till 1130 and when I got there, it was difficult to order because the crew were mostly non-English speakers.  I ended up pointing to the pictures and doing more sign language that I can feel my head heating up because my hunger has been put on hold for it and just like Incredible Hulk, they wouldn't like it when I'm hungry!

And what did I end up with?  A simple hamburger, fries and drink.  Talk about crash and burn! 

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Categories: Le Haim en Israel (To Life in Israel)

I am sitting on my favorite floral lounge sofa listening to Johnny Hates Jazz's most popular song "Turn Back The Clock".  The kids are having their afternoon nap and it is a perfect time to bring life to my blog as I know its been a while since I last wrote in it.  Perhaps it is time to put into writing what has been playing in my mind for some time now…a thought that I never got to reach a conclusion.  So let me put it here and hope to get light out of it.

There are times when I cant help but wonder what would life be at the homefront for my young family.  For sure, the change would not be as dramatic and as emotional as it has been here in Israel.  But looking back, those dramas and emotions were right to happen. 

Living in the Philippines and getting the same comfort and benefits as living in Israel requires a high standard of living, unfortunately.  What we have here is middle class way of living which is not at the same economic level as in the Philippines.  Financial capacity is a big consideration. One needs to have tons of money to be able to afford a nice, new place to live in; clean and orderly surroundings, two cars, quality food and clothing, medical fees and other perks.   

I will start with the kids.  For sure, my kids will still be at home wth the yaya in the Philippines.  I know many Pinoys agree that this is what is right to do…however, I see the benefit of putting them to a learning center at an early age.  Of course, I still do not agree putting the kids in a day care for the whole day when they are less than a year old.  That is why we waited until Ben turned one and for me to have a half-day job.  Putting them in a day care with kids their age and lots and lots of learning materials and equipment develops them much faster than staying with a yaya at home who does not have the capacity to educate (most of the time).  Here, they become independent.  For example, Ben now will not eat if I spoon feed him.  He wants to do it on his own and he eats very well, allthough messy, but finishes his food.  My kids learn to put their shoes by themselves although Ben sometimes needs assistance.  When I put Rachel in a day care in the province in the Philippines while on vacation, I saw yayas putting shoes on their wards who were older than Rachel!!!

When the kids reach the age of 3, they go to the public kindergarten and it requires less amount of money.  It lessens as they get older because it is subsidized by the government. In the Philippines, putting your child in a private institution needs a lot of money and forget about the public school system...well, most of it!

Israel is very child friendly.  Our community has parks and playgrounds wherever you make a turn.  Traffic is very pedestrian friendly.  The surroundings are clean and the air is fresh.  It is also very, very safe that you see kids as young as 5 walking to school and back home.  The kids here are free.  They are not limited to the confines of their homes or the malls. 

Medical issues: all their vaccines, hospitalization and check-ups are "free".  Well, not really as we are paying for the health benefits.  To put it correctly, the health care system here is working and there is no need to bring them to a private practitioner because the public ones are very good and professional.  The facilities are modern and clean. In the Philippines, they would definitely have their private insurance which also would give them the best service at the best clinic or hospital depending on the amount you are willing to put in. 

For me and Haim, as parents and individuals, this is where the big difference comes in.  In the Philippines, we will maintain our lifestyle as when we were single.  Of course there will be some changes but not as drastic.  We can still go out many times a week to meet friends or watch a movie, I can go to the parlor for a haircut or manicure/pedicure without having to plan it in advance unlike here.  We can have a weekly massage!!!!! Waaaaahhhh!!!

When we get sick in the Philippines, we can lay in bed for as long as we want, a meal will be served in bed.  And we are left in peace to recover. In Israel, there is no time to get sick….hahahahahaha! This is very true indeed as I got "sick" here a couple of times and yet nothing has changed with my daily routine.  Miraculously, I got well without those chicken soup served in bed and complete bed rest.

However, we will be spending less time with the kids in the Philippines as we are doing here and I kind of appreciate the way living in Israel has molded us as parents.  First, by force because we didn’t have a choice and then it became a passion that we do not regret giving ourselves completely.

Finally, Haim and I would not be the closest we are now in Israel as compared to being in the Philippines.  Here, its just you and me against the world kind of drama.  In the Philippines, it will be "I have my family and friends so you better shape up or I leave" kind of thing.  Here in Israel, we literally went through the "thin" and are still going through it and yet the "thick" side gets "thicker" and that is where the beauty lies at the end of the day.  Here, its not about who gets what and when…at the end of the day, its about giving in, making it work together as a team no matter how ugly the person can get..and that's me at the height of my delusions.

Still, there 's no place like home for me. I love and miss the Philippines every single day. Haim one time sent me a beautiful message and it goes like this: "I love you very much and now I know it is not where but it is with who you share your life with that is important".

I do not see us living in Israel for the rest of our lives at this moment but I am very thankful for this time and opportunity because it has brought us "home".

   

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Categories: Le Haim en Israel (To Life in Israel)

Parties in Israel, be it weddings, birthdays, bar/bat mitzvah or a celebration of the arrival of a baby is very typical and more: yummy food, lots and lots of people and fun. It can be grand with a reception area and high class table settings with live band and all night dancing to very informal ones like a bar mitzvah by the pool or a birthday celebration in the park or by the beach.  However, there is one practice that shocked the sockets out of my ears!!! In parties specially for weddings and bar/bat mitzvah, the celebrant/s or invitee/s expect the guests to give cash to cover their expenses on food.  Believe it or not, I have talked to many people about this and everyone gives me the same reply.  That yes, it is a common practice in Israel and that yes, you have to give the worth of a plate per guest.  Like in bar mitzvah, its common to give NIS350 or apporximately P3,500 as a gift while in weddings, its on a per plate basis.  The per plate costs "usually NIS350-NIS500" so if you come as a couple you should give between NIS700-NIS1000 which is around P7000 to P10000. 

And they do check….after the party, the celebrant/s would list all the guests who came or keep the cash envelops and see who gave appropriately.  There's a number of incidents relating to this that completely freaked me out.  For example, a wedding couple who learned that a friend gave them less than what they spent per plate, they usually either will give them the same amount when it is this friend's time to wed or will not attend at all.  And if the guest is a close family or friend, expect you will be told about your cheapness if you gave less than what was expected.

I can only talk for the few weddings, bar/bat mitzvahs, baby welcoming, birthdays I attended and so far, its all consistent.  Cash with a minimum requirement needed for you be totally appreciated by the invitee.  I havent attended any religious event so I cant tell if this custom goes the same. 

I also got to talk to some people about this practice and shared with them how it is done back in Asia particularly in the Philippines.  That when you invite someone, you don’t invite them to cover for your expenses, to cover for a dream that you cant afford.  You and your family share in the load and it stops there.  Of course, you expect some gifts but it can be in a form of cash or an item but it doesn’t matter whichever and what the value is.  Some would even give the cash proceeds to charity. And if you do not have the money to give or buy present, it doesn’t matter, you are welcome just the same. And it wouldn’t affect your future relationship with them or on how you will look at them after.  What we Pinoys look forward to, is an event to share our happiness and blessings to friends and family.  And it stops there..we don’t expect.  And I'm very, very proud of that.

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Categories: Le Haim en Israel (To Life in Israel)

If you blind fold me and let a number of women pass close to me and one of them is my mother, I would instantly know her.  As a child, when she would go on a trip to Manila, my father would find me inside my mother's closet, smelling her clothes.  And I would be comforted because in there, I feel like I am still engulfed in her embrace.  Oh it was heaven! My earliest recollection of how clingy I was to her were my daily morning routine of going up on the roof of our white volkswagen that has an electric fan instead of an AC installed, holding the edges tightly in the hopes that when she rides it, I will still be there close to her.  Unfortunately, this wasn’t such a successful habit because as I always find myself up there, our helper would always take me down in a jiffy.  So, all my tears and my energy were wasted and yet everyday, I found myself doing it….never gave up. I was 4 years old. 

When we moved to Manila, I recall crying on the way to my mom's office either in a jeepney or crossing the road…I cried and cried and the only time I stopped was when I would see her. 

As a child, my mother was everything to me. I adored her.  Every night, she came first in my prayers. When she was late to come home from work, I cant sleep and waited for her and prayed very hard for God to send my angels to make sure she was safe and protected. And He never failed me. 

When I was a little older and can commute, I prefered waiting for her in her office no matter what time she finished just to make sure she has someone to accompany her back home.  I felt I couldn’t take any risk of not being there for her.  So while she was busy with her transactions, I just sat on the couch and watched her….and I felt at peace.

Even now, she still belongs at the top of my prayers and I always think about her every second of my days.  I miss my mother so much and one of the treats of the week is having to call her and talk to her until we run out of topic.

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Categories: My own "Exodus"