Myla Katzav

I met Haim in 1998 while working at the Marketing Dept of a hotel in Manila.  He was looking for his friend from the Purchasing Dept and ended up in my room.  So I brought him to his friend and it started it all….not romantically though.  Haim was a young good looking rich foreigner who had the world under his feet: beautiful classy women, nice apartments in Makati, a big bike, a high position at work, parties every week and a society that bends to all these.  I was just a few years out of college, I had my own small circle of wonderful and beautiful friends, living in my dad's apartment, driving a car dad gave me, eating out almost every night, a regular position that pays well..regular in a society that sees me as well….regular.

Our worlds do not seem to fit and yet our paths crossed so that we wil be here, right now.  Ours is a different love story and its not for the movies because it cant be told in less than 2 hours. I will not even try to write about it here.

 

In the midst of a chaotic youth lured by a materialistic and selfish world, Haim and I found each other and grew up together first out of nothing then, gradually and amazingly found ourselves changing for the better and for each other. We experienced a series of downfalls which at times left us flat on the ground. I have to say it but we became better persons because of each other.

 

I'll tell you what I have become because of him.  First of all, I have come to love God truly and this brings so much peace in my life. I realized that the secret to love is really to give without expecting anything in return and if you do this without any other intention, you come out of it whole.   I have come to love my family more:  He made me see the beauty of spending time with family, talking to my brothers, sharing myself with them.  I have come to terms with my young selfish, insensitive self and hope that in the last few years, I was able to make it up to all my loved ones. I have lost a lot of friends but kept only those who really see me just like Haim sees me. 

 

I'll tell you what Haim became.  First of all, he found his way back to God.  He became prayerful, forgiving, understanding, patient and loving.  He started helping people in need and feels good about it. He still has his faults but believe me, a lot of it has been worked out well and still  are being worked out.  He loves me everyday.  My state of being happy or sad defines his moments.  He's got fewer friends and kept those only who saw him for him.  He became a better son and brother and I like seeing him this way.

 

Finally, let me tell you what we have become because of them.  We pray from the heart and most of our prayers don't start with "please" but "thank you". We live a much simpler life that is not anymore defined by expensive material things.  We see money in a different way, not anymore as "The Tool" to define us and be accepted by society but just one factor to go through our days and that of our children's future. We take our jobs seriously.  Our friendship grew hundredfolds that we understand each other even before an idea crops in.  We are more courageous when it comes to facing our problems and instead of turning our backs on it, we face it now.  We are not afraid to be different or to make decisions outside the norm. We have each other and that is what is important.

 

We have become selfless because we have finally found the meaning of life and these are Rachel and Ben.    

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Categories: Le Haim en Israel (To Life in Israel)

Just like any child living in the Philippines, the moment the calendar page turns to September, I experienced a tingling sensation of excitement and happiness.  It signifies the beginning of Christmas, a fairytale that comes true every year: lights of different shades and colors playfully twinkling everywhere you go, shinny decorations hanging on the ceiling or pasted on the wall, santa clause of different sizes and themes, socks full of candies, christmas carolling, tons of gifts and the many parties and favorite food filling up the refrigirator.  But what I love most about Christmas is that it brings the family together and so it becomes the most peaceful and full of love time of the year.

In short, the Christmas season is that time of the year where people are happy individually and collectively and the Philippines is not the place for non-believers or kill-joys…because I don’t think they will survive as everywhere they go, its all red, green and gold and ho! ho! ho!

 

My situation is different.  I am in a place that the majority do not celebrate Christmas. I guess they do not even know what Christmas is.  I am in place that believes that Jesus Christ as the son of God is fictitious.  I am in a place that the children do not have an inkling of Santa Claus…which transcends to all of the things I wrote in the first paragraph nil

 

I have been without Christmas for 3 years and it sucks just as much.  And as some of my friends and family back home have started a countdown to Christmas, silently, I am counting down the days when its all going to be back to normal there.    

 

So for this season, I am not putting anything that will remind me of Christmas at home except for my google and facebook pages which are all in Christmas themes.  I will see how much I can endure and if it becomes unbearable, then perhaps next year, I will do something different like the opposite of this year.

 

The closest I got to celebrating Christmas is teaching my childen some carols.

 

So what then?  Well, as this is the life that I chose with open eyes, I will have to deal with it the way the morning star tries so hard to beat the sunshine. 

 

What I know for sure is that in the silence of the night, I am most grateful now than I ever was. 

 

That the special child born that night under the brightness of a star in a manger brings hope and love. That no matter what situation you are in, if you have love around you and there is deep gratitude in your heart even for the simplest things and you are deeply connected to your loved ones no matter the distance, then the spirit of Christmas will live on and will warm your heart even if the outside world is at its coldest.

 

 

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Categories: Le Haim en Israel (To Life in Israel)

Many nights that I am left with my babies, I put them beside me in bed and most of the time, I found myself awake and staring at their sleeping faces.  They looked very peaceful and contented.  And in those moments, there were no other thoughts flowing in my mind. Its just simply to look at their faces more closely and hear their breathing.  Sometimes, I experience those sudden burst of peace and happines and satisfaction because my whole life and my whole world is right here beside me and where else would I want to be?  Being there clears my mind from any worries.  Watching them gives me so much hope and knowing they are extensions of myself brings out this courage to face our future with open arms.  Watching them and knowing that they are the most precious parts of me makes me want to live longer and healthier, for as long as they need me. 

Motherhood is just amazing.  It is the start of an endless, tireless kind of  loving.  It is a purpose in life, and the best one for sure! It is not perfect but the babies, in your eyes, are perfect! It is also the biggest test in life…starting from the extreme physical pain whie giving birth to the emotional and mental challenges of bringing up individuals and shaping them to be better persons. 

Motherhood is all I know for now.  It defines me.  It gives me a picture of who I am and what I am built for. It keeps me sane.  It keeps me grounded.  And most of all, it keeps me alive.

 

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Categories: Le Haim en Israel (To Life in Israel)

In a few hours, Haim is arriving from China after being away on a business trip for 16 days.  And those 16 days gave me a glimpse on how it is to be a single working parent.  Its been tough and yet liberating specially since "home" is still a foreign place to me.  I survived the physical, mental and emotional challenges and as there was really not much of  a choice but to go through with it, I didn’t have the luxury of pre-empting whatever was doomed to happen.  I didn’t have a choice but to face it all point blank.  And allthough there were family and friends who were ready to support and have shown me such warmth, I chose to go through it by myself and in the process, I have gained a sense of independence and self-control.

First, I have a fantastic working environment that everyone in the office are parents and they understand the need to be flexible.  My boss allowed me to work for less hours on those days and I just have to compensate for it by working on two extra mornings (Sundays) when my husband is back.   I need to put my kids to the day care which opens at 7:30 and there fore cannot be in the office before 7 am. 

Next, my husband's family have verbalized in many ways their support and readiness to help.  My sister-in-law picked up my kids on one Tuesday when I had to work until 6 pm.  The grandparents would visit Rachel and Ben every week and play with them.  When Rachel felt sick while we were having our Shabbat dinner at my parents-in-law's house, his brother and girlfriend accompnied us home to help me carry the sleeping babies and put them to bed. Imagine the horror if it was just me and them!They called me  a lot to check and I appreciated it very much.

Then there was the need to organize the daily tasks that needed to be accomplished.  At night, I prepare all their necessities inside their tiny school bags.  I woke up at 6am to prepare their morning milk making sure that it was not too cold in those winter mornings, prepared Rachel's snacks which comprised of a sandwich and a fruit/cornflakes with a bottle of water packed in her bag.  Then I dressed myself up which only took me around 10 minutes from brushing my teeth to putting on my shoes.  Afterwhich, I wake them up exactly 45 minutes before we leave the house to make sure that there was enough time to handle any crying binges or requests for more sleep (this happened almost everyday though).  While they were drinking their morning milk while laying on the sofa, I started dressing them up.  And the last thing I do to get them up and running to the door was to give each of them their favorite gummy orange-flavored vitamin!!!  Thank goodness for these!!!!!  It has become my quick getaway and took them directly to the car wihout any fuss. Once in the car, I breathed a huge sigh of relief because the hardest part of the day was over and done with! I took Ben first then Rachel and its off to work.

Going to work at a later time was  big change…there was traffic!!! But this has made it possible for me to connect with friends and listen to my favorite cd's much longer.

Because of a feeling of isolation or lack of adult interaction, I have started to open up myself more at work.  I have a new room mate who doesn’t speak a word of Hebrew like me and who is just one of the nicest girls in the office. So I started taking lunch at the building cafeteria and found how much fun it is! I do get a lot of stares though because I am the only Asian!!!!

At exactly 1pm, I left the office to pick up the babies, Ben first and then Rachel.  When we got home, they would look for their milk and then I prepared lunch for them.  The tv was on showing their favorite Dora or Diego shows so it gave me the much needed peace to fix our bags and prepare lunch. After they have taken their lunch, its off to their room for our afternoon nap.  Rachel almost always sleeps instantly while Ben, who was cheating us by sleeping at his day care in the morning, would just stay in his crib awake waiting for me to be up to take him to the living room where we bond while Rachel was still sleeping. She usually wakes up any time between 4-5 depending on how early she started to sleep. Of course, I wake her up by force and then goes another session of playing, fighting, crying, eating or just plain watching a movie together. 

I am not kidding, but my babies can sit in the sofa with me and watch a movie…of course it comes with their favorite chips around.  But it is one of my high moments. Dinner was served between 7-8 pm together or individually as sometimes, Ben would go first.  I would have dinner the last and usually its something vey light and fast to prepare.  There were nights when dinner was their leftovers!!!! 

Then its bath time and this is something they love and hate to be taken out.  My bath time is erratic.  I sometimes take it in the afternoon while they were having their nap or late in the night when they were both asleep.  So my bath time is not fun at all as it is done in such haste!

Sleep deprivation has become common either caused by one of the babies waking up in the middle of the night or a noisy neighbor or just basic feeling of fear for the coming days and all the worries that one can harbor with feelings of being alone with two babies who depend all their lives on you.

Laundry, grocery, big preparation cooking and major cleaning of the house were done on Fridays and Sundays (the mornings that I am off from work and they are in their day cares.

These were the physical challenges which were easy to handle.  The most difficult parts was the emotional and mental challenges.  There were moments when I wanted some time for myself and I don’t get it.  There were also moments when I felt guilty because I couldn’t spend quality time with them from doing all the household chores and leaving them to their toys and the tv.  And some days, I am connected to the internet either reading the news, chatting with friends or being in facebook. Those were the the moments when I wasn't into mommy-mode. The hardest part was when one of them got sick and this was the moment that I completely lost myself as every part of me was devoted to getting them back to normal.  The other hardest part was when they throw tantrums on me and it puts me off-balance: I get mad, I shout, I become less of a parent and it just eats me to death.

The good thing about all these was that its about to end in a few hours.  My beloved Is coming home and I am sure my babies will have tears in their eyes when they see him.  They missed him so much that it broke my heart everytime they demanded to see their Aba (Daddy) now and start looking for him around the house.  Plus, I gained a lot of strength and control over the day's events and the people I deal with.  It gave me a new perspective about fear.  That you control it and it is actually under your mercy.  So now, I go out without fear and holding on to this courage to move on for the sake of my babies and never look back at all those useless worries and fears.

 

Tags:
Categories: Le Haim en Israel (To Life in Israel)