Myla Katzav

I think that one of the worst moments in time is saying goodbye.  Be it temporary or a prolonged absence, it always pulls your heart until it hurts.  I have said good bye a million times….most memorable ones were my leaving home for college at the age of 16, watching my grandmother sleeping peacefully in her coffin, getting a heart broken when I or he leaves, saying thanks and see you soon to my brother in America after we spent months building his home, hugging my best friend so tightly at the airport and giving my parents that one last look that hopefully says it all when I left the Philippines.

 

My Tio Boy has terminal cancer.  Families and friends who are capable are now coming in and out of his hospital room bringing with them strength, courage, faith and love to fill him up in these very difficult moments.  I heard that he literally lights up when someone comes in and as soon as they leave, the shadows of depression lurks back in.  With hope and love, they also come to him to say goodbye in silence and I am sure Tio Boy is aware of it. Among all the brothers and sisters of my dad (he has 12!) he is the most favored by all, both young and old, because he has the biggest and the most generous heart.

 

From a distant, there are times that you can erase reality and replace it with day-to-day tasks to keep your mind from it, remembering him during healthier days or just pretending its not happening.  But it can never be completely out of your heart because you know, he is hurting and your family is hurting as well. 

 

Everytime I talked to him, I cant seem to find the words and end up blabbering.  I wanted to say something that will mean to him, something to make it feel better but everytime I got the opportunity, the words just wouldn’t want to be heard.

 

A few days ago, he was hospitalized for complications from pneumonia and the swelling of his legs.  I heard it is inevitable.. and it is just a matter of time. So I find myself in a dilemma…should I say goodbye or not at all? 

 

I shouldn’t because if I do then I’m closing the doors to hope and we never know…miracles happen everyday.

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Categories: Le Haim en Israel (To Life in Israel)

When I gave birth to Ben, I didn’t visit him at the nursery right away. I was not as excited. I had one of those weird baby blues effect wherein the mother feels like staying away from her newborn.  Thank God it only lasted overnight.  Deep inside though, I knew he felt it and yet when I finally held him, all my weird feelings disappeared because of the peace he aroused in me.

 

From that day on, Ben has become my refuge.  Whenever I feel down and a bit sad, I go to him.  He has this calming effect on me probably because we went through a lot of things together and never gave up. 

 

Ben is understanding and patient.  Every night, after I read to them, I close the light and wait for him to sleep.  He sleeps on his own with his favorite pillows around and the pacifier.  Sometimes, when I get very, very sleepy, I do not wait for him to fall asleep and leave his room.  I know that he would cry for a few seconds and then would eventually fall asleep.  Last night, I went back to his room to put on his blanket too early and caught him sitting there in the dark touching his pillows and trying to fall asleep.  My heart went out to him…my understanding Ben.  He knew not to cry because Mommy is sleeping already.  I took him and put him close to my heart until he finally fell asleep.

 

During playtime, he lets Rachel take toys from him without complaining…probably he knows he doesn’t have a chance after all. When he starts to get bored or annoyed, he would run to me and start crying. When I am busy cooking, he does it only for a few seconds and then leave quietly to look for something else to play.  He never forces himself when he sees that person is busy. 

 

After he drinks his milk from the bottle, he would always put it on the table.  Sometimes….or should I say most of the time, he would do this to Rachel’s bottle as well. He also puts back the pieces of puzzles in the box that Rachel has played on.  He also puts his shoes back to its place after use.

 

Ben is very simple…he gets his highs from just getting a smile from his big sister.  He is very, very happy when she plays with him and hugs him.  They do this more often now.  But most especially, I feel his happiness when he is in my arms. 

 

I wish I can just hold Ben close to me forever.

 

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Categories: Being a full-time "IMA"

When we made a decision to move to Israel, I knew I will be facing tremendous challenges for being simply different.  There would be conflicts from all corners of my life..from within myself and from the people surrounding me.  And that was what exactly happened.  My first 6 months were met with resistance: confusion on how to live life differently, desperation when I cant seem to find my way and anger on why I chose this path.  I felt like a child all over again, learning the basics..a child carrying another child within (Ben) and taking care of yet another one (Rachel). 

 

 

They say there is a cycle to change.  Its starts with resistance, anger, realization and then acceptance.  I went through all that and am very, very grateful that finally I have accepted.  However, little have I realized that the people around me would be going through something similar with much less effect from dealing with me. 

 

 

When one finds oneself in the opposite end of the pole, one has a choice of either crossing over and being a part of the regular stream or keep to one’s being and face the challenges head-on. Crossing over and becoming part of the main stream would mean an overhaul of who you are…”When in Rome, do as the Romans do”.  I think this only works for temporary stay or when you are a tourist.  But when you decide to carve a life in a new place, this wont really work unless you are ready to give up who you really are.

 

 

I chose and still choose to keep on my side of the pole.  I guess, with age and with the many experiences I went through and meeting amazing people along the way who never for once forgotten who they are, I never hesitated being myself.

 

So below are some realizations on how to live in a foreign place without giving yourself up:

 

 

1. Respect, respect, respect!  If you cant understand how people do things and why they do it then just respect them.  It will put a period to whatever confusion you are experiencing.

 

2. Never judge.  It is so easy to criticize and comment but this is a dangerous path because you dont know the person and vice versa and no matter what is the nature behind this, never say it because you will never know when you will need his/her help.

 

3. Accept things one day at a time: Do not force yourself to try to be positive or negative to people because you will never know what realizations will come your way once the moment is ripe for it.

4. Never attempt to change people.

5. Say No when you want to and Yes when you mean it.  Do not lie with your feelings and thoughts. In other words, do not pretend.

6. Never give up who you are: For as long as you do not hurt or cause utmost discomfort to people around you, stay strong.  When you do and people see this, in the end, they will realize your worth and this is the best way to get respect.

7. Never forget where you came from..because no matter where you go, whatever heights you reach…you will always, always look back and it will always, always give you strength.

8. Call your parents.  I get my daily doze of strength from talking to my Mom no matter how unimportant the issues are.  Knowing they are there, is enough to give me the confidence to lift up my head and face my days without fear.

 

Finally, I only have my husband to thank for.  He is my greatest source of strength and he is the one who taught me to stand strong and learn to say "No".  He tells me that our primary concern is God and our family's wellbeing ....that anything and anyone outside that circle can jump in the lake but we keep our values, we keep our faith and our trust in God.

Tags:
Categories: Le Haim en Israel (To Life in Israel)

“Mind your own business” is not a very popular statement here in Israel. On the contrary, Israelis love to mind other people’s business.  In fact, they love doing it. 

 

I remember once accompanying my sister-in-law at the mall with her baby girl in a stroller.  She needed to try on a blouse and so she asked me to look after her baby.  As she entered the fitting room, her baby started to cry and I took her in my arms.  Immediately, two older women started to talk to me in Hebrew with their voices high.  Its good I didn’t understand them at that time because I just stared at them like “Duhhh?!?”.  My sister-in-law who heard everything told me afterwards that they were asking me why a mother should leave her baby crying like this.  For goodness sake! My sister-in-law spent only a few minutes in the fitting area! And babies are allowed to cry!

Another event I recall was when I was with my kids in the mall, and both of them were crying.  Of course, I couldn’t carry both of them, so I let Rachel hang on to my blouse while I tried to pacify Ben when all of a sudden; an old woman stared at me and commented that I shouldn’t let both babies cry.   This time I understood her and so I told her off.  I know I should respect her because she is much older but I was at the end of my patience for anyone at that time.  And I am not used to this kind of attention.

A friend of ours was biking around with his two sons who were not wearing helmet when, a passing car slowed down and the driver told him that he shouldn’t take them out like this.  I mean they were biking very slowly and far from the road!

It is welcoming when people do care when things go wrong not just in their inner surroundings but at the outside as well.  But it is beyond this when they forcefully push themselves into you specially when the act done is nothing close to being wrong.   I like that the Israelis are protective towards each other specially with babies and kids but too much of it is such a turn off. 

 

I also notice that they cannot accept a “no” or “yes” for an answer.  They have to know why.  And this is something that I cannot level with up to now. 

 

I love the statement "Mind your own business" and practice it to the fullest.  And I accept a "yes" or "no" reply gracefully just as much as I give either one with no intention to answer further with the "why's".  And does that bother me?  No! 

Tags:
Categories: Le Haim en Israel (To Life in Israel)

I am going back to the grind in less than two weeks.  My babies started going to the day care a few days ago.  Changes are happening right before my eyes literally. 

 

 

They say it can be overwhelming…well not for me.  I have been praying for this for quite sometime because I feel 110% that it’s the right thing to do.  And I have been preparing my babies big time.  I talk to them a lot about this new happening in our family…about how they will need to go out there and make new friends and not just Aba, Ima and their cousins..and about how much fun they will have playing with other kids, singing, dancing and creating artworks!

 

 

Rachel was excellent going back to the Gan (that’s the Hebrew term for day care) and in fact, on our first visit with the intention to check out the place, she asked to be left behind.  She is so ready!  And I am so happy for her.  She already made friends and mostly with the little boys…ooohlala…is this an early warning sign??? Today, I see her sit among the kids to listen to stories from their teacher and it just felt so right.

 

 

Ben, oh my Benny-Benny, had a rough time the first day.  So, I called all the angels in heaven to keep an eye on him and to shower him with happy feelings.  He gets better by the day.  His cries are periodical.  I put him only for 2 hours and soon, it will have to be longer until he will be able to make it for 5 hours.

 

 

My work runs for half of the day for four days a week.  And it is exactly the kind of job I am familiar with.  English speaking clients in the US and mainly in Asia.

 

 

Looking back at the choices I made, its all about giving yourself to that moment in time wholely.  There is a time for having fun with the friends and I did that.  There is a time for loving stupidly and I did that.  There is a time for traveling without fear. There is a time for studying…a time for giving 110% to work, a time for shopping and eating out like crazy…and when motherhood comes in, I believe it is the most important role to give your whole self to without any hesitaion…to give up your worldly pleasures and just be a “Mama”.

 

High heels were exchanged for slippers and flat shoes, branded sexy clothing for comfortable day-to-day wear, grand and elaborate meal time for simple and healthy ones….movies and night-outs for bathing the kids, putting them to sleep and washing their bottles. Maasages and hours spent in the parlor for household chores.

 

Someone told me how I seem to have given it all the right way. But I believe, its just a matter of choice…a choice that you have to sit down and spend sometime to create it in your mind and ask yourself how you can make this moment the best that it can be. 

 

Now I say, look at my modern day miracles...God is always watching and I love Him!

 

 

Tags:
Categories: Being a full-time "IMA" | Le Haim en Israel (To Life in Israel)

Today I left Rachel at the day care..uhhmm..no…Rachel asked me to leave her there.  It is her first time again after being home with me for 6 months.  The staff at the day care were amazed on how easily she let go.  When we arrived at the place, she went directly to the room where the kids were, sat on floor and started playing with them like a regular. My sister-in-law told me how, even 5-year olds would still cry when its their first day in day care.

 

When I was in the Philippines for two months, I also enrolled her in a day care and she was the only one without a yaya in tow and I saw the difference.  She removed her shoes by herself, placed her bag in the shelf and went to play without inhibitions. She told me goodbye properly when I left.

 

Many people have told me how amazing Rachel is that in such a young age, she seems to understand what is going around her specially with the complexities of the adults.  As early as 2 years old, she can put her own shoes with buckles, dress herself up with pants or shorts and get into long conversations with adults.  Sometimes, when Haim and I are deep in conversation and she would say something…most of the time, we don’t give her our attention and she would tell us loudly to please listen to her because she is saying something. She can draw a face complete with eyes, nose, mouth and curly hair..just like her or a camel.  She knows how to draw circles, triangle and square and colors them within the line.  She can complete puzzles on her own…big ones and with more than 50 pieces. She helps bathe Ben and sometimes puts on his shoes.  When there are other kids around them and when a kid starts to hit Ben, she would stop them and rub his cheeks with her fingers telling him that its okay.  She knows not to make noise when Ben is sleeping and understands when she can’t have more candies or ice cream.

 

Rachel has never been a crying baby nor a clingy one. I guess its because she is confident that Aba and Ima would always be there at the end of the day.  And we talk to her a lot like we talk to adults and more  because we take pains in making her understand why its wrong to act like this or that and why her action is very good.

I think its starts with the first step.  When Rachel started to show interest in walking, we let her go.  When she started to go to the stairs, we let her go.  We do not stop her, we teach her to put one foot after the other and hold the side wall or railings when going up.  When there is a lit candle, we do not just tell her not to go near..we actually let her go near it and even touch it and when she feels uncomfortable, then she would understand that she should keep out of it.  Of course, all these come with explanations.

 

I also think that the child should be let go to explore as much as she wants.  That to keep her from doing things is actually slowing her down (which I am guilty of sometimes!).  And the parents play a very important role in getting a child to attain such independence.  For a child to be independent, the parents must show support and encouragement. The parents must be confident in what they are about to do and understand when things don’t work out.  Plus of course the patience to explain to them why this isn’t so and why that is allowed.

There are a million things I can say about her but one special moment is our time together at night when we would have our “girls’-talk”.  She would always ask me if I’m happy and I always tell her that I am. Then its my turn to ask her if she is happy and she always tells me yes. We talk about her day which she would be too lazy to say anything about..and so we would just exchange our devotion to each other.  I tell her how much I love her and she answers back in her cute soft sleepy voice “I love you Mama” and we kiss each other. Sometimes, she would rub the back of her hands on my cheeks.

 

I think that children love being with their parents but the parents need them more to live and breathe!

  

Tags:
Categories: Being a full-time "IMA"

Before I set my eyes on it, I heard so many stories about Akko and they were not very good ones.  I heard that the people were rough and loved to give “kaffa” and “latva”.  In English this is equivalent to hitting someone hard in the back of the head from two sides: “kaffa” is a blow to the right side of the head while “latva” is coming from the left.  But I also know that Akko is one of the places in Israel that is full of historical mementos.  Little have I known that I will be completely captivated by it.

 

We explored Akko with a very good couple friend.  So, along with our kids, we drove for 2 hours to the North of Israel.

  

 

We went straight to the Old City by the sea.  The port is breathtaking with a number of fishermen’s boats docked along the old walls of the city.  The giant doors leading to the Old City are made of steel on the outside and thick wood on the inside which are hundreds of years old.  The walls of the Old City are approximately 250 years old.  Right at the corner, is the Akkotel, a fine dining restaurant and straight ahead, a series of historical treasures and structures along with a very colorful culture of people, food and wares await to behold you.

  

 

Walking on the narrow stoned pavements is similar to that of the old cities of Jerusalem and Jaffa.  One can see a street lined up with small shops selling clothing, shoes, toys, bread, or old men playing game boards, etc.  Some areas are designated residences of the Arabs (they are the occupants of the Old City) and the different colored and designed doors made me very curious about its interiors.

 

And then there are the breath-taking structures:

The Mosque of Jezzar Pasha built between 1800 and 1814 which is just in close proximity to a Christian Church.

 

The Khan Al-Umdan (the hostel of pillars) built in 1784-85 by Jezzar Pasha, it was a merchants’ place where they sell their wares on the open area while the second floor functioned as sleeping quarters or hostels. However during the time of the Crusaders (12th-13th Ad) the area was designated as the “Court of Chain” where maritime commerce took place.  Under it, the Templars built a tunnel to their fortress at the south- west-side part of the city.

The Catholic church built by the Franciscans in 1737.

Hammam El Bashs - The Turkish Bathhouse

Olei Hagardom is a museum and memorial to the Jewish resistance fighters executed during the British Mandate.

 

The enchanting garden because it is the coolest place with the giant trees providing shelter from the heat of the sun and the fountain in the middle providing a refreshing atmosphere.  One wouldn’t want to leave the garden because of its peaceful ambience.

 

We also took a boat ride to see the coast of the Old City and one can see a group of young men jumping from the Old City’s walls without any protection!

 

Akko has been under the rule and influence of many a civilization: Greeks, Romans, Arabs, it was even an important center for the Crusaders when they lost the battle in Jerusalem, the Ottomans , British and finally the Israelis.

 

There are still many sites we failed to visit like the famous Bahai Gardens and the underground halls. 

  

 

 

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Categories: "Unholy" Sites | Unholy Sites

A few weeks ago, I experienced the worst heart-stopping event in my short life in Israel. I had a turbulent sleepless night (this happens to me once Ben wakes up to feed) and so was able to catch a deep sleep early in the morning. At exactly 8 am, the siren was on. This siren alarms the citizens of an incoming attack in the form of bombs or missile and you have only a few seconds to take shelter. I jumped the second my ears got hold of its sound and without thinking for a second, ran to the kitchen and hauled as many bottled water, baby bottles and milk that my just woken-up arms can take!!! Throwing all these on sleeping Rachel's bed, I ran to the kitchen to get more. My commotion and not the siren, woke up my babies!!! I took the phone with me as well and started calling my husband....his phone was off and you can just imagine what was playing in my mind at this moment. After many unsuccessfull calls, I called my sister-in-law and what do I get as reply? more rings.....I tried calling her and calling her but she just doesnt pick up. So, this is it..we are under attack I thought....I dont care which neighboring country has decided to wage a war...i havent thought that perhaps all of them has come together just like the six-day war in the 70's...all I cared was if my husband was safe, why his phone was off and what will I do next.....check out the news..and call my brother-in-law. So, I checked the news..there wasnt anything that speaks of an impending war and finally I got hold of my brother-in-law who asked me to call again because he was busy....hmmmm....without listening to him, I just asked him what this siren was all about and to my relief, it was just a drill!!!!! Grrrrrrr!!!!!!!! Why has anyone kept this from me? My husband usually tells me of scheduled drills and it turned out that he himself didnt know about it. Tsk-tsk-tsk..this is what happens when you live like a hermit and try to be an island.

The older buildings have a separate bomb shelter usually located at the basement while the newer ones have a shelter within the unit. Our unit has its own shelter, thank goodness! Imagine if I had to go to the basement....what an embarrassment!! A bomb shelter is a typical room in a house and ours is the kids' room. It is just built in a "special" way but the interiors are just like any typical bed room.

And so it goes...a day in my life in Israel. Just when it felt like I have found a balance walking on a rope and can lift my head up to enjoy the view, the rope suddenly vibrates and gets me back to my original position...good it turned out false!

Tags:
Categories: Le Haim en Israel (To Life in Israel)

As a child growing up in the province, believe it or not, I cannot recall any day or night that I was not happy.  Life was simple and so happiness was easy to achieve.  I was surrounded by family all the time: my aunts looked after us when my parents were working, my grandparents doted on us, God was the center of our small world.  

And I had my man always there to lift me up through his words or just by being there.  He called me his darling and it sent me to heaven.  He is my Daddy, who else? My Daddy, without him knowing, has contributed a lot to my strength and my intense passion for people I care.  

Whenever someone would tease me about my big eyes being puffy most of the time or someone would say that I look like a frog, I ran to him. He would say: “Darling, your eyes are unique and to me, they are the most beautiful eyes in the world!”. Seventeen words that kept me going through life especially at times when it gets tough.  Seventeen words that reminded me that to him, I am the best!  Seventeen words that told me I can do this..I can do that…and if I fail, in his eyes, I am always a winner.

 

The other set of words he said that stayed with me were:  “You may not respect me or other people, but you have to respect your mother”. Fifteen words that made me say no to any temptaion during college.  Fifteen words that pushed me to study and work hard and behave.  Fifteen words that helped me treat people well.

 

But these words were put to a test when once, we had a crisis in the family.  I failed him big time and broke his heart..just as it did mine.  But for a heart to be whole again, it needs to go back to its source..and he was mine and so I had to find my way back to him no matter if it took years and many tears.

My Daddy may not know this but I melt in his presence.  That his "no" would send me crashing while his "yes" would put a big smile in my heart.  And up until now, whenever I feel vulnerable or afraid or threatened, I hear those words, his words, and all my insecurities vanish just like it did when I was a little girl.

My Daddy may not know this but I melt in his presence.  That his “no” would send me crashing while his “yes” would put a big smile in my heart. And up until now, whenever I feel vulnerable or afraid or threatened, I hear those words, his words, and all my insecurities vanish just as it did when I was a little girl.

Tags:
Categories: My own "Exodus"

Today I miss my girl friends.  I miss them all the time.  In fact, I miss them everyday.  But today, I let myself miss them all the way.  I let go. I let myself feel it until my heart cries out loud. It cries out for the many moments we spent together: for all the stories shared, the opening of feelings, the experiences we went through together, the sound of our laughter and the tears we wiped from each other’s cheeks.  It cries out louder for the moments that will never be shared, for the days and months and years passing without them around.  And the mystery of whether we will ever be able to be a big part of each other’s lives again.

 

 

Today I miss my girl friends.  I do not hesitate feeling it.  And it is bittersweet.  While tears fall down my cheeks, I let go of the hidden breaths that I have been holding for a long time. It somehow loosens my heart and it feels good at the same time.

 

 

Today I miss my girlfriends.  I let myself be weak.  For so long, ever since I said goodbye to them, I braced myself to be always strong and cut out whatever thoughts and feelings get into its way.  I am a mother, I need to be strong.  But not today.

 

 

Today I miss my girl friends.  I allow myself to be sad. It is very sad because they were the sisters I never had and although our bond will be as is no matter the distance, I crave to see their smiles, to feel them close to me, to hear their voices. I crave to be in their presence.

 

 

Today I miss my girlfriends and for the first time, I will allow myself to drown to the pits until I run out of strength and fall asleep because tomorrow, when the sun shines, a new day begins and I know, I shall miss them still but then I will be back to my old self…strong and positive.

 

 

My little girl comes in the room asking me to carry her.  I look at her and I smile…here is my best girl friend and I dont need the sun shine to perk me up afterall…all I need is her.

Tags:
Categories: Le Haim en Israel (To Life in Israel)